“Children are like buds in the garden and should be carefully and lovingly nurtured, as they are the future of the nation and the citizens of tomorrow.” — PT. Jawaharlal Nehru
Understanding Children Rights With a Twist.
“Children’s Day is celebrated across India to increase awareness of the rights, care, and education of children. It is celebrated on 14 November every year as a tribute to India’s First Prime Minister, Jawaharlal Nehru. Fondly known as Chacha Nehru among children, he advocated for children to have fulfilled education”. Children are seen marching posing as Nehruji or reciting some of his practices in schools on this day or maybe receiving gifts or acknowledgment on this day from their parents.
haqcrc.org mentioned the constitutional rights guarantees that are meant specifically for children includes but not limited to: (Article 21 A), (Article 24), (Article 39(e)), (Article 39 (f)), (Article 45), (Article 14), (Article 15), (Article 21), (Article 29), (Article 46), (Article 47)
Social workers, lawyers, and few citizens may advocate these laws on a border aspect. I am certainly not qualified to discuss these rights at our national constitutional level yet, but as a practicing counselor, life coach, educator, and Montessori Directress I am interested in sharing my understanding of these rights with a twist.
As a parent have you ever said these sentences, “my child will not make the same mistakes as me”, “my child will not suffer like me”, “my child will become a better version of me”? If not as a parent have you felt this pressure as a child? In my professional tenure of 20 plus years, as an educator, I have often seen parents mistaking their children to have arrived on this earth to “right their wrong” and be a better version of their existence. Now, imagine the pressure a little child has to carry from the very moment s/he enters the world. A pressure to fulfill dreams of the “failed” or “ideal” parents ….
The journey in the world begins with the violation of the biggest human right… “Right to the Individuation”.
Before we go any further, let me draw your attention to the two kinds of parents/educators:
First One. (The providers)They feel proud when they are the providers of their children’s needs. This position puts them in an authoritarian, uninvolved, or permissive position more of a dictator as if they are superior to the children. They are sensitive to mistakes and have difficulty acknowledging failures.
Second One. (The facilitators) They feel proud when they are the facilitators of their children’s needs. This position puts them in an authoritative, more of a democratic as if they are equal to them. They are more assertive of mistakes and easily acknowledge room for more possibilities.
My article will surely appeal to the aspiring /practicing — parents, educators & caregivers of the second kind. (The Facilitators)
Let’s begin with a question — When did you consciously think about your “OWN” children’s rights in particular?
Let’s take an example of children from birth to 7 years
Children from birth till age 6–7 years are like a sponge. All they do is see you and absorb the learning by observing your actions ( they may recite your words like a parrot, but they rarely understand from your words, the meaningful understanding is in the observations of actions only). Their innate desire is to be just like you. Value education can be imparted via adult demonstration of doing exactly what they want their children to learn.
By the age of 2 years, children who are growing age-appropriately are certainly expected to use his/her pincer moment to pick objects. Throwing things around. Grab and release is their way of telling, they are growing age appropriately. Holding some appropriate objects like half a glass of water or a plate and to carry it around can be an exercise to impart independence. Language learning is at the peak, the speed that they learn during this time, they probably would not be able to learn so fast in the later years.
Some of the biggest challenges during this time are potty training, separation anxiety, making friends, sharing toys, beginning to understand right and wrongs, successes and failures, rewards and consequences.
Observe the violations of rights happening during these learning years with the Paradigm Shift.
Violation of the right to be independent:
Children are raised by hovering adults or house-helps. Now, they are learning it’s ok to not do the hard work and expect others to do things for us.
Violation of the right to equality:
It is assumed that they can’t do anything as they are young and adults can only decide for them.
They are taught to share it with certain people and hide it from certain people.
Violation of the right to education:
Moral values are conditioned in most of the houses.
Let’s take an example of the children growing from puberty to young adulthood.
The children in puberty to young adulthood are most commonly understood as rebellious. (How can we forget the time of confusion, growth, crushes, first love, first breakups, school bunks, parties, sins, cigarettes, rule breaks, law breaks, we were there once too. It’s a place of highs and it’s scary too). The world looks threatening yet inviting. There are lots of questions about the growing body and too much hush. Children are still not allowed to ask questions that threatened the adults to answer the libido related questions as if the human race existence is the result of the biggest sin.
Some of the biggest challenges during this time are an attraction toward so-called “sinful” activities, the body is growing and taking different shapes during this age, voice changing, the whole identity is taking a new form, confusion in love, few may be confused if they are into same-sex or opposite-sex or if they are asexual or they are transgender. The biggest discovery of our body and libido is happening here. Along with this pressure to get good grades, good college, deciding one’s career, going through emotional traumas in friends and family, fear of failure, failure to launch, etc.
What’s happening? As a parent, observe yourself from the 3rd eye vision! Are you open to sex talk? Are you open to allowing her/him to find the path toward adulthood? Is there room for mistakes? Or you are so busy protecting that “family law”, which says, “hamare yaha toh _______”.
Most of the parents and adolescents that I see in therapy are going through these tug of wars. If you are the “providing” parents during the beginning phase of your child’s life and did all the work/thinking for your child you may be facing bigger problems, as your child was never allowed to make mistakes before or to think for self or to problem-solve for self, freedom at this age can be extremely overwhelming for everyone involved.
With the rebellious teenager, who is rebelling out of fear, parents panic and wonder what did they do wrong and instead of bringing paradigm shifts, they gets distracted in proving they didn't do anything wrong. So the common monologue would be, “we survived, our parents were stricter than yours”, grandparents, who were the rescuers suddenly become the blamers, blaming parents (their children) for not doing their job properly, the irony is that they never let their children “good enough parent”, always expecting them to be an “idol parent”. Once raised as a confused child, remains child for ever.
Observe the violations of rights happening during these years with a Paradigm Shift.
Violation of the right to be independent:
Parents select friends for them. Their outings, parties, and clothes.
Violation of the right to equality:
It is assumed that they can’t do anything as they are young and adults can only decide for them. They are constantly shamed for not doing a task as an adult, as simple as keeping the room clean.
Violation of the right to education:
Talk on death or sex is hush-hush.
Violation of the right to make a relationship of their own choice:
I have heard so many times, that “we don’t want to get a pet as we will develop a bond with them and it’s difficult to see them sick or gone”.(right to education, death is inevitable) and instead of teaching avoidance from the bond as they may bring sadness
Let’s take an example of children who are in mid-age
(legally 40 years come in the adult law. As we are trying to understand the rights with twist let’s consider them as children here in their own family setup)
We are talking about the 40 plus year children who were raised to just follow the orders of adults are in their mid-age. Going through the midlife crises of his/her own. Stuck in between yesterday’s authority and “upcoming striving” authority. (kal-aaj-aur kal). Somewhere trying to bring balance in the war of power struggle between two generations in the house, along with finding their own purpose of life as they were so busy becoming what parents want, what spouse wants, and what children want that they may have forgotten what they themselves want. Normally it’s mid-age when humans hit consciousness to find the meaning and purpose in life.
To my surprise, I have not till now, came across a single human being in their acquired stage of self-actualization “Maslow’s basic human need”.
These mid-age people, who are intellectually high, earning well, and doing great in society are often found confused, lost, and emotionally dependent. Mostly complaining about their struggles and violated rights till now.
In our Indian culture, these mid-age adults, who are parents of young adults are still seen deprived of decision making; as simple decisions as they can’t even have an opinion of what kind of school their children go to, what kind of friends they can hang out with, or even a vacation location on their own. It’s a hierarchy based authority decision. What we are talking about the “rights of children”. They are the earning members of the family, providers, role-models of their children, where our adults are still dependent.
Before you start observing “rights” with Paradigm Shift” allow me to bring some more examples of the violation of the “Children Rights” that may be happening in your “OWN home setting” or “your choice of SCHOOL setting” at a very basic root level.
Right to equality (Article 14)
@Home:- When deprived to make decisions as basic as “what s/he wears.
@School:- When the way of teaching and evaluating is the same for different children.
Right against discrimination (Article 15)
@Home:- When compared to everyone around, sibling, cousin, society, and world
@school:- When children of influential people or children with higher IQ are given preferences
Right to personal liberty and due process of law (Article 21)
@Home:- When giving a child muscle help like a servant, when it’s his/her age to learn from his/her own mistakes.
@School:- When a child is deprived of a basic need like water and washroom
Right of minorities for the protection of their interests (Article 29)
@Home:- When family advocate Girls don’t work: Boys don’t cry kinda expectations
@School:- When teachers or fellow peers bully their classmates for having an interest in different sex or not so popular curricular activities
Right to nutrition and standard of living and improved public health (Article 47)
@Home:- When adults in the house feed the child that can feed himself.
@School:- When a school does not maintain basic hygiene standards in food and washroom areas.
The very basic human right is the right to grow. Growth happens in learning. Learning happens with experiences. Experiences are a combination of successes and failures. When all these “basic & psychological” (D-Needs) are not met, self actualization remains unreachable. (see the image “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs”) Children have right to achieve these basic and psychological needs in order to grow into a confident independent. How much of that is facilitated?
I am not advocating here, to abandon your child on the streets. Freedom is practiced and earned by those who know how to use it wisely. To know how to use it wisely at a nurturing level we must create room for failures, and patience to relearn by facilitating and not by providing. All I am trying to say here is know that you are dealing with a human being who has a brain of his/her own. The one way that I know, that we can treat everyone equally — is by letting them grow independently — age appropriately.
What is your home constitutional law?
(An example of Practical Exercises with proven success in-home setting )
I will take this opportunity to share one of my favorite exercises that I and my clients practice at home and has been a great success if practiced diligently.
AIM: To make our own family constitutional preamble
(Partial Montessori lesson plan)
1. Invite each other in the family to meet up
2. Discuss the goal and agenda of the meet (here it’s, rights, responsibilities, and consequences of each one of the member)
3. Each member gets to speak (“6 thinking hats” by Edward De Bono is a good tool here)
4. List down the area of expectations
5. List down the area of conflicts
6. Discuss how can we make this work (use win-win or no deal (a technique by Steven Covey described in 7 habits of highly effective people, here)
7. Practice what you have planned as equal
Age: 2 years onwards
Direct Aim: Practicing Our basic human right to learn and relearn in a safe environment
Indirect Aim: Family bonding, Communication skills (that eventually help in society and profession), practicing care, support, nurturing, differences in a “rightful” way.
Note from me to the reader:-
I have practiced this personally with my daughter when she was 3 years old and it worked wonders in our relationship. today she is 16. The second one is 12 years old and just followed the footsteps of his sister, we didn’t have to do many exercises with him. I am not saying we are a perfect family. We do have our fights, we do have our difference of opinion. I am a firm believer that “Children have come through me in this world, not for me”. we all have our moments of bringing embarrassment and pride to the family. One thing is sure we keep our doors for “Family Panchayat” always open. There is still more to learn, there is still more victory and certainly, there will be still a few inhibitions. But in all this chaos, the “right” to Panchayat goes on…
What is the constitutional law in your choice of the school setting?
(An example of Practical Exercises with proven success in a school setting )
In my pre-primary classrooms, there were no rule books for children provided by teachers, we as a team will sit in a circle and make our own class rules. In my professional Montessorian experience, I have practiced the below exercise in the school environment with great success.
Another one of my favorite exercises was to observe children using their “right to be independent” during meals-times. Children in my school setting would pick up their lunch bags from their respective cubbies, bring to the table along with fellow peers, open the bags, take out the placemats, spread it on the table, open the boxes and reverse the process once the food is done.
During these entire process, our job as an adult was to make sure, they have correct equipment like a table, chair, food boxes, lunch bags which they can use independently without adult help, keeping in mind each activity must bring success to them, they should not need assistance from an adult to do trivial things.
Teachers would go table to table and discuss the nutritional values children have received by completing their lunch. If something is spilled, there will be a cleaning supply nearby, which they demonstrated and practiced in their “Montessori time” to use it independently when needed. (Help to help themselves is also given).
It takes approximately 120 minutes for them to complete the entire process.
There will be light music in the background, reading lounge in the room so if they are done they can use it without disturbing others. They practiced hygiene, low voice, independence, the importance of food, and eating without watching TV or adults forcing food in the mouth.
Direct Aim: Independence, Order, Coordination, Cooperation
Indirect Aim: Prerequisite for the following language
Language:- vegetable names
Maths:- Quantity/weight
Science:- Nutrition
Moral Values:- Respect towards others by using space that is limited to your placemats.
Civil Values:- Ask before you want to take food from other’s box, and respect if he/she is not ready to share what is in their own possession. (why? this needs a different talk, some other time)
Age Group: — 18 months onwards.
Note from me to the reader:
When we practice all this, a couple of times the parents /grandparents that may have missed the parenting workshops will come with a complaint that teachers are not doing their work. They feel we as teachers are not doing our job properly.
A note to those parents, — teachers are not “educated servants” you pay to do your child’s work which your child is very much capable to do independently. Teachers’ job is to facilitate a pupil to become an independent child so that s/he can grow to be a responsible and independent/interdependent and a confident young adult.
Food for thought:
- What makes Grand/parents so not sure and less confident to raise children so tight that they are left completely clueless? Even at the age of 40, their child is not free to make his/her decision, is it because they knew in the core that their parenting was meant to make dependents?
- Children are raised to perform the legacy of their great great grandparents, when will they build their own legacy?
- What are you doing to create a safe space for failures?
- Do you think it’s your responsibility to calm your child or it’s your child's job to calm yourself down?
- If an adult will always make the decision for children because children know less, when will they learn to become independent?
- If you are a parent who makes decisions like what to wear, what to eat, how to resolve issues, what kind of friends to make, how to behave during the difference of opinion etc. where is your child’s individuality?
- Are you raising an individual or are you raising a dependent?
- If you die today, what will happen to your dependent child? Do you think your child will know what values to carry that you expect from him/her?
Introspect the following:-
- Top of everything, is your self worth coming from your child?
- Do you take your child’s failure as your own failure?
- What will happen if your child has different values than yours?
- Why are you so afraid to let go? (if, that’s the case)
- Who do you think is the culprit?
We are victims of the victim's parents, instead of blaming the culprits do we have the courage to take up the responsibility to make our own independent choices from today, and if we fail, we get up, we learn, we acknowledge and we try again?
Marching in Chachajis hat is not the presentation of a liberal India. This children’s day, give your child the constitutional gift of equal rights and responsibilities in your own home setting. Get creative, make your own family preamble taking everyone into participation, followed by making your own rules and regulation protecting the rights of your family values along with the consideration of new values. (Make sure no one gets up of the activity unless there is a win-win or no deal solution to the matter)
Parents/educators and society providing room for failures or fallback plans only to try again and again to succeed are one of the most vital gifts for liberal India. When the right to make mistakes is so profoundly violated, experiences are conditioned and all we are giving the nation and world is the rebellious or obedient generation, that in the end, my friend — may cripple our nation leaving behind a non-flexible legacy and confused identity.
Stop celebrating days for the heck of celebrating. Children are not to be mistaken as showpieces, they are the future of India. All you have to do is BELIEVE. But the question here is, are you ready for the “Paradigm Shift”, for equal rights for your children in your own home and your choice of the school settings. Do you truly believe that your offspring is capable to practice age-appropriate liberty?
If yes, and if you are inspired to learn new and renewed ways and march towards better parenting as a facilitator, feel free to begin “Constitutional” Panchayat with Parita.
